Friday, 11 January 2013


Whose stupid, idiotic and just downright INSANE idea was it to go to the gym this morning?! Getting up TWO HOURS earlier than needed before work. Who in their RIGHT MIND would actively choose perspiring and panting on a treadmill like a sweaty hamster over sleep?

Oh yeah! Me. Knob End.

Before today, I've been gymming it for the last three nights pretty successfully (for me). I'd even venture as far as saying I've been enjoying it. Gasp!

I've enjoyed being anonymous in a big organism made of whirring machines and human movement, disappearing into my own little world (even more so than normal).

But who was I to kid myself that I'd enjoy doing that in the MORNING?!

Mornings are for hugging, foraging clumsily for food and muttering demonically into mugs of coffee. Sometimes watching reruns of early Batman episodes if you can muster up the energy to watch Adam West run around in Lycra. But that's it.

My body refused to put in any effort this morning. Despite my brain screaming at it to stop glaring angrily at my reluctantly shuffling feet, it insisted on behaving like a tantrumming toddler being dragged round the shops.

"Come on, we're going out."

"No. Don't want to."

"Well, we're here now, just a little bit further..."

"NO! Want Smarties!"

"It's eight in the m-"


And you know what? I don't blame you one bit, you poor, hungry, confused, sleepy body. I truly don't. People who go to the gym in the morning are either freaks who don't sleep so they don't have to deal with the horrors of waking up, or they're robots. Robots designed by the gym to make us flabby little muggles feel terrible about our burning desires to lie in and mash left over pizza into our faces at 7a.m.

Well, I refuse to be sucked in! From this day forth, I shall only exercise when I've built up a nice, big mound of anxiety related stress, accumulated by spending a whole day pretending I'm nicer than I am to people I've never even met on the phone (my job - not something I do with the Yellow Pages and too much free time) before I even make eye contact with a treadmill. I will only move a muscle when I'm feeling suitably killy. That way, I will be getting healthful benefits and protecting wider society from my stabbiness.

Now, then, body. Let's go find us some breakfast.

*hopeful squeak* "Smarties?"

Fuck it, why not? Smarties.

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