Saturday, 2 February 2013

You Disgust Me

Okay, so I'm no angel. I'll be the first to admit it. I'm a double whammy of messy and clumsy, so naturally, I will leave a trail of destruction and debris in my path wherever I go; spilled mugs of tea, crumpled paper, dead bodies....

I will only clean the house when the dirt actually becomes visible (bigger sense of achievement afterwards. Try it!), and my sexiest habit is chewing off my toenails. I know. Come and get me, ladies and gents, I'm all yours! *strips to the waist*

Now that's out of the way, and I feel that I have expressed that I'm not intending to be needlessly judgemental (okay, I'm being a bit judgemental, but hear me out), I would like to introduce you to some faceless but memorable mingers I've come across in my shortish time as a member of a cheap hight street gym ( if you're curious. I'm sure you're terribly curious). I say faceless because I've never met these people face to face, and I have never clocked any of them with my own eyes, but they have had a profound effect on my mental stability and gag reflex. I will now list them in order of mildly alarming to downright ruddy disgusting for you now....

1. Furball Girl - I actually encountered this mystery woman today while I was showering after a post-work workout. I heard rather than saw her. She was in the next cubicle to me and making this weird, animal sound. Sort of....I can't think of how best to describe the sound. It was this horrific, guttural retching and spitting noise. Reminded me of a louder version of when a cat drags up one of those sticky, wet furball things. I left convinced that she was either raised by cats, or hadn't figured out that you don't need to look directly up at the shower head with your mouth open, because, y'know, you don't choke if you do it that way...

2. Ear Wax Woman - This phantom lady turns up about once a fortnight and covers the mirror/hair drying area in the women's changing rooms in mountainous tissue piles. The tissues are always coated in a lumpy orange substance which I only guess is earwax. It could be make up, earwax or scooped out chunks of brain for all I know. The only way I could really tell would be to get within sniffing/licking distance. And I'm certain I'll never be THAT curious!

3. The Tampon Tramp - Yup. I almost don't want to describe this one because it brings on minor PTSDesque flashbacks of walking into a vacant shower cubicle and jumping right out like I had the force of a movie explosion behind me. Buzzing. THIS woman tends to make her presence known, as you've probably guessed, on a monthly basis. By leaving A USED TAMPON ON THE SHOWER FLOOR!! I cannot for the the life of me fathom her reasoning behind this! Is she marking her territory? Does she relax so much in showers that it just, kind of slithers out?? Gross, I know, but I just want to understand! As far as I know, the beauty of tampons is that you can do things like take showers and not have to take them out.... to leave them there for innocent barefoot strangers with freshly gnawed toenails to nearly stand on. Ew ew ew!

... I have a sneaking suspicion that these three sexy vixens might be one and the same frighteningly unhygienic, choking and spitting woman. Just... *shudder*. I wonder if I've smiled at her in passing? Or jogged side by side with her at the treadmills? People like that should have to wear stickers on their foreheads with a cartoon picture of a coiled turd and flies childishly doodled on them so that wider society have the chance wheedle them out and avoid at all costs. Maybe not furball girl, though. I think someone just needs to teach her how to shower facing the other way...

Disclaimer: The 3 minger-teers I mention in this post aren't a representation of the sort of person who goes to The Gym. Most of them are lovely, clean and polite people. And The Gym is as super-dooper as a gym can be - all cheap and obligation-free rolling contracts and whatnot. Go The Gym Group!

But down with tampon tramps everywhere. Or at least someone give me a plausible explanation for that behaviour. I am for reals curious!

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