Friday, 22 November 2013

...Come Again?

If this blog was one of them fandangled Youtube vlog things, I WOULD BE SHOUTING THIS POST AT YOU RIGHT NOW!!

But relax, chums.  Your auditory senses are safe.

...FOR NOW!!!

Reason for all the SHOUTING is that after last week's sexiness (translate: "lady flu"), all of my basic functions (i.e breathing, swallowing -not like that!-, making own cups of tea) have returned.... bar my hearing.  And so I've been talking overcompensatingly loudly while I forget that it's me who's having trouble hearing me and not the rest of the whole wide world (translate: office/ living room).

My hearing's not as bat-like in excellence as it should be for a laydee of my age (25) on a normal day, let alone when it's filled with all manner of fitty-making cold symptom debris ...because earlier this year I was told I'd need a hearing aid.

*waits for gasps*

*realises probably can't hear gasps even if they're happening*

Exhibit A(id) - Becky's robot ear

I discovered my (admittedly mild) handicap after booking myself in for a hearing test when I'd started to get pissed off at the fact that I was making up my own story lines to movies based on the odd few words I caught during them.  

To this day, all I recall from Brokeback mountain was some muttered discussion about "beans" followed by sudden, vigorous bumming.  Those crazy, non-enunciating Americans...

I'm only a casual hearing aid wearer - in that I don't really need it to hear most things and can usually get by without it.  I don't wear it at a carefree, jaunty angle or anything.... But I do hear (ha! Hear...) you can jazz them up with glittery accessories and the like.  I haven't a stab at being cool anyway, so if I'm deaf, I might as well be disco deaf. Might look into that...

Anyhoo, this week it's been marginally more difficult just Beckying through my day with one of my senses pretty badly if temporarily dulled.  And because I'm all about raising awareness and shit, I would like to give you a few examples of what being a-bit-sort-of-deaf-but-not-that-much-really is like for those who aren't mildly afflicted like little old me.

You learn that you're not designed to talk to grown-ups
According to my doctor, the pitches I am missing are from the mid range.  Meaning that I struggle to hear mid range sounds, but I'm average-to-ace at hearing high and low ones.  To quote Mr Doctor Man, I can

" hear children and Santa Claus." Funny bastard.

So basically, situations where I'd be at my best conversationally would also be the ones where I'd come off as just a bit fucking creepy... e.g at an under 14's disco (I could wear my jazzy aid!!) or on Santa's knee.  Awesome.

Certain aspects of office work can be tricky when you're full of cold, have left your aid at home and your manager is talking to you from behind his PC monitor six desks or so away.  While it can be quite hypnotic watching his eyebrows dance as he "meehmehmeeh"s like Beaker off of the muppets, it's not so great if you don't even have a shot at lip reading whether his "mehmehmeeh"s are of the "do this or you're sacked" variety or whether he's just informing you about a curry he had last night.

You sometimes find yourself accidentally being "funny"
I've had this conversation at least 3 times this week:

Me: Sorry, just getting over a cold.  You might have to speak up a bit at me today.

Co worker: Oh,, mehmehmeeehmeh...spreadsheet?

Me: What?

CW: *thinking I'm hilariously playing up to the deaf thing and not wanting to not laugh at a deaf bird trying pathetically to be funny* ahahahahHAHA!

Me: *not wanting to feel I'm missing out on the joke I've obviously just not heard* hahahaha!

CW: Heee.... So mehmehmeeehmeh spreadsheet then?

Me: ...Yes!

CW: *confused face*


Sometimes you just have to guess
When I'm feeling too lazy to fully concentrate on involving myself in a conversation I can only hear snippets of, I tend to just stand there, hands in pockets, smiling vacantly and nodding at all the pauses.  I then wait until I hear a word I quite like and then wholeheartedly agree and hope for the best. Sometimes the outcome is good and I get something out of it. Sometimes I come off as inappropriate or rude and have no idea what I've agreed to. Full on fascist sentiments for all I know.....It's Yes Roulette!

I agreed to something A said that included the word "waffle" yesterday.  Still not sure whether I've got a waffle coming or whether I'm expected to produce one sometime soon.  Exciting times, people.  Oh, I do so love to live precariously! 

.... I'll keep you posted about who gets the waffles.  Fingers crossed it's me!!

Oh, while I'm on the subject...never EVER Google the term "blue waffle". I did once after being told not to, and I can never EVER un see it!


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