I've picked up a lot of info over the past just-over-quarter century. Some of it useful. Most of it uselessly specific.
e.g, thanks to Tumblr, I now know that the best way to get away with murder is by having an icicle as your weapon of choice, as the evidence conveniently melts after said murder-doing.
Don't cross me, World. I have a collection of razor sharp Tip Tops in my arsenal.
...So, I thought to myself this morning: "What better way to mark my crossing over into the second quarter of my life (I plan to live to bang on 100 and yes, fuss arses out there - I know that technically I entered my second quarter century when I hit 25. Shut up), than to make a list of all the brilliant things I've soaked up so far? That way, people will know that my vacant stare is more to do with my actual face that my lack of useable wisdom!" Here is, then. Prepare to be amazed!
1. People don't like it when you bite your toenails off in front of them. They don't even look mildly impressed at how bendy you are.
2. Cats will never love you as much as you love them.
3. Dinosaurs aren't coming back. Get over it.
4. Moving around is actually really rewarding, and helps keep the crazies under control. Running equals =D as opposed to #!!?**=(///#XP!!....
5. People who regularly feel the need drop into conversation how nice/fun/"random" they are, are generally the total opposite and you should run very, very far away.
6. The least flattering pyjamas are also guaranteed to be the most comfortable. That shapeless, fluffy potato sack you bought on a whim? The one with the cats on that makes you look like you have no boobs and four arses? Put it on and I dare you not to immediately nap in it with a smile on your face.
7. Sober nights in playing scrabble and shouting at Take Me Out because "Look at that guy's stupid face! It's so stupid!" are often way more enjoyable than getting obliterated and then throwing up your memories of that "great night out" the next morning.
8. EVERYTHING costs money. Lots of money that you don't have.
9. Spiders bigger than your face, sitting nonchalantly on your head are fine. Jellyfish on your TV screen will one day figure out how to break through the glass and attach themselves to your face. It will happen.
10. Seagulls are bastards.
11. You should never take family for granted. Especially when they always have food and offer to do your laundry. They do want to cater to your every whim. Honest.
12. Love is comfort and the freedom to be yourself at all times. Even if that means letting your significant other observe the fact that you short circuit when you try to eat and chat at the same time. For the last time, I didn't pee myself, it was the sauce the mushrooms were in!!
13. If you obsess over all the bad stuff that's going to happen to you, it's more likely to happen. Blind optimism is preferable. And if that doesn't work out, at least you can always blog about the shitty stuff in a bid for pity lolz.
14. Unless you pay a man with a knife lots of money, you will always look like you. A you that can be bigger or smaller, but still you. So you'll have to make do! - Dr Suess (not really)
15. You rhymes with You.
16. Unless you are actually Beyonce, you will never be Beyonce.
17. Humour and sarcasm trump any other kind of response. Unless someone's just told you someone's died. In which case, probably plump for sincerity.
18. You don't need to impress people with your job role. As long as you're happy with what you're doing to turn productivity into food, fuck everyone else. Especially people with really cool jobs. Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em in their smug little faces.
19. Bit of a cliche - but nothing worth having comes easy.
20. People who don't appreciate Monty Python are confusing to be around.
21. Diets don't work. Not eating Haribo and battenburg with every single meal does. Fascinating.
22. Never try to second guess anything important. You're probably wrong.
23. If you really, really wanted to be doing the thing, you'd be doing the thing. Not just talking about how one day, you'd really, really like to do the thing, but you haven't got enough time/money/inspiration.
24. You will never be free of the clutches of the internet.
25. You haven't checked Facebook for five minutes. Better check Facebook.
And there we have it! A quarter century well lived, I think! In my next, I hope to learn lots more stuff, like how to not wait until my house covered in a thick layer of dust and carpet fluff before I clean it. And what the secret is of people my age who already own their own house while I'm still bloody renting off a lady who won't even let me have a cat. Maybe I'll even figure out how to cross number 16 off the above list and actually become Beyonce. Who knows.
Happy Sunday to you and happy almost-birthday to me!
Not that I'm milking it.
Here is a classy picture of me from last year's birthday festivities for you to enjoy.