Tuesday, 6 May 2014

(Lack of) Money On My Mind

They say that people always live within their means, but I think that's cow poop.  I, like almost every other person I know in their twenties and early thirties like to perch precariously on the edge of my means, waving merrily down into the gaping jaws of Total Skintness.  And thanks to online banking, I can now beckon my friends over and show them the terrifying but inexplicably exhilerating view.

"Look, guys, I can see my overdraft limit from here!"

I live in a permanent state of poorness that ranges from "Ha, look, I got to zero! This is a good month! Drinks on meee!", all the way down to "Mustn't move in case last bit of loose change falls from pockets, and I need that for the loaf of bread I'm going to be living off for three weeks."  Totally my own fault, though. 

I live in a first world country where I am fortunate enough to have enough cash to allow me to rent, eat, and buy myself plenty of non-essential items like smelly candles (bought my first Yankee the other day and have decided that this officially makes me a grown up) and things that my cat will ignore in favor of my stuff.  I haven't made any small people with my uterus, and so all of my money is technically expendable. 

 I'm lucky that my money is my money (except for when it's money I'm borrowing from good old Uncle Natwest).  No one relies on me to keep them alive and fed, which is just as well because I'd probably just lose them under my pile of Apple products and stationary that I'll never use anyway.  I loves me a fancy blank notebook or ten. Mmm...stationary.

But the relative financial freedom my situation affords me means that I'm constantly pissing my hard(ish) earned dollahs away on junk.  I type this on a standalone PC next to the iPad I'm Facebooking on simultaneously.  Behind me sits an exercise bike shaped clothes horse, and I am charging both my Fitbit and Garmin sports watch with aforementioned PC.  Each of these purchases required vigorous excuse making, as did my bazillion other "do you really need that?" items.  

So here is a list of tried and tested excuses that I strongly feel allows me to constantly spend just beyond my means.  If you would like to join me on the yawning precipice of accidental bankruptcy (whoopsy, I slipped!), then these will get you here much more quickly.  I'll budge up and make some room for you:

1.  Am drunk.  Money is not real when you are drunk.  Like in Monopoly.

2.  It's sunny and it would be illegal to not visit a beer garden and have a "few" pints.

3.  It's the weekend.

4.  Am in a bad mood. =)

5.  Am in a good mood. >=(

6.  It's Friday, and I deserve a reward for going to work for a whole week.

7.  The purchase of this book/tv box set/expensive bit of technology that appears to do nothing but go "beep" at set intervals will change my life in such a way that I would be sabotaging my quality of life if I bypassed this chance to make said purchase.  It's my human right to own this thing!

8.  I'll use it every day, I swear!! 

9.  If you buy it on the internet, you use internet money.  Internet money is not real money.  God bless you, Amazon.

10.  I know I got paid yesterday and I'm in my overdraft already, but I'll be getting paid in another month, so it's fiiiiine...

See? All valid, logically sound arguments, I think you'll agree.  Now, I'm off to buy some tyres (essential), groceries (essential) and Lily Allen's new album (even more essential than tyres and groceries combined).  Hope your bank holiday weekends were smashing!

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