Wednesday, 28 January 2015

26 Wise, Wise Wisoms

Well, hello!  I did one of these posts around this time last year, where I gathered all the super-useful knowledge I'd gleaned from the 25 years on this planet and shared them with the whole world (or whatever corner of the internet this blog lives in).  I've just this week completed my 26th year on this planet, bringing me ever close to the big 3-0 (I'm not ready to be a grown-up!! Send help!), and it's time for me to take stock of the information I've hoarded and/or consolidated over the last 12 months.  I'm sure you will find this a very serious and scholarly list, reflecting my advancing years and wisdom.  

Or I'll just blurt out whatever comes to mind.  Whatever.  Happy learning!

1.  It is impossible to trick your metabolism.  After multiple attempts to fool my body into thinking cake = health giving treat, I can finally conclude that exercise and food that doesn't have cartoon characters on the packaging (I'm looking at you, Haribo bear, you adorable bastard) is the only way forward.  This upsets me, but it is unfortunately true.  It also makes me want cake.

2.  Lifting heavy shit is great fun and makes you feel like you have super powers.  Until the muscle soreness kicks in and the only thing you're able to reach in the shower is your chin.

3.  Even moderate drinking has to be paid for in spades.  Hurty, sleepy, binge eat-y spades.

4.  Of all the songs in the top 100 chart at any given time, I am familiar with approx 7, and actually enjoy about 3 of them.  I am no longer home with the downies. 

5.  Inappropriate games, like the brilliant Cards Against Humanity are much more fun when played with grandparents.  They are filth in its purest form.  Nothing is funnier that hearing your Nana announce to the room that she is a "motherfucking sorcerer."  Nothing.

 Cards Against Humanity.  Cards read "What do old people smell like?" & "My vagina"
See? A game suitable for all ages!

6.  I'm actually capable of relaxing if the weather is hot enough, and if I'm within 50 feet of a bar.

7.  A house isn't a home without a feline overlord.  Err, I mean pet.  Why did I say that?

8.  In order to live, I require food, water, physical activity...and Netflix.

9.  I still don't like football, and have this year saved copious amounts of time and energy by not trying to.

10.  Comics can be surprisingly educational and piss-takingly funny.  See: The Oatmeal.

11.  The grass is always greener on the other side. Cliche, but I often need to remind myself how good I've got things.  Particularly when I get itchy feet at work.

12.  Socks don't have to match, as long as they are vaguely the same length.

13.  Dominos Pizza makes my stomach revolt for days, but the call of the dough is too strong to resist.

14.  Eggs are fucking awesome!  I have recently developed very strong feelings towards them.  They are delicious nutrient filled apples from the butts of chickens.  Chicken butts of the world, I thank you!

15.  Mentally, I may well always be 15.  This is okay.

16.  It's surprisingly easy to put yourself in someone else's shoes with enough practice.  Particularly if they are a clown. 

17.  Life before American Horror Story was not life at all.

18.  I really, REALLY want to run a marathon.

19.  Sometimes, when you really, really want to run a marathon, you end up doing too much to soon, resulting in you hurting yourself and having to avoid activity altogether for a fortnight because of your stupidity.  Lesson learned at the physio clinic just this morning.  Am going to go insane, and have no one to blame but myself.  Stupid self.

20.  The desire for cute, fluffy pets only intensifies with age.  God, I wish I was allowed a puppy!! It doesn't even have to be a big one!

21.  Reading and running are the best forms of escapism by far.  But not at the same time, because manholes.

22.  The cliche about how you give fewer fucks about how you're perceived as you get older? True!  I cannot wait til all of my fucks have expired, and I'm a bad ass granny day drinking and cruising in my pimped out mobility scooter, calling out the "yoot" of the day for their follies.

23.  Intensity isn't always a good thing.

24.  Sisters are friends who are stuck with you for life.  They must be mined for entertainment at all times.

25.  I WILL be a zombie extra in a movie one day.  Even if it kills me.  Haw haw.  See what I did there?

26.  I am still not Beyonce.

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Cats vs Humans

Ow, I hurt my... me!  Had my second ever experience with atlas stones last night, and as a result, am now feeling like I was at the losing end of a bar fight with Mr T. Woke up to what I briefly thought was a heart attack this morning, to find it was only the snazzy bruise on my chest complaining as I tried and failed to flip myself over.  Never thought I'd be part of an organisation that sees chucking concrete (concrete!! That stuff that pavements and breeze blocks are made of. WT-actual-Eff?!) balls around as an excellent, healthy activity.

Moaning aside, I'm chuffed I went to that particular session.  I always find that the classes that make me want to cry the most at the start also tend to end with me feeling like She-Hulk, but with pastier skin.  Raaah! The fact that I found it so challenging can mean only one thing - That as soon as I get the knack, I will LOVE it.  Logic for you.  

Also, the bruises look pretty bad ass.  

"Oh, this little thing?  I got it from THROWING A BIG ASS BALL OF CONCRETE AROUND!! You need me to open that jar of pickles for you?  Perhaps direct you to the beach whilst tactically but discretely showing off my guns?"

I kid.  I don't have guns.  Weapons or physical.

You find me at the second of two days off I've magically managed to get off work at the last minute this week.  My manager is a saint who knows that the best way to get me to do my job well is to secure me as many days off doing actual work as possible.  Glad we see eye to eye.  I am sat at my PC with a snoring lump of fluff in my lap that I've spent a lot of time hanging out with over the festive period.

No, I haven't let my personal grooming get out of hand.  I am fully clothed, and Walter the cat has chosen to sleep in the most inconvenient spot he can find.  As per.  After glaring at me like this...

If looks could kill.
...from the printer for a while, he has now forgiven me for whatever crimes he is silently accusing me of in the above image, and has now settled in my lap/on the arm I need for the mouse.  The more time I spend with Walter, the clearer it becomes to me how differently these fluffy, conniving bundles of manipulation see the world to humans.  I have come prepared with some examples.  I shall roll up my sleeves and begin:
The Human Nose
Human - Facial feature for sniffing out food (and probably other things too.  But mostly food).
Cat - Human "on" button.  Sticks out from duvet while humans sleep, handily reachable from bedside table for when I need to be let out to pee at 4am.  Or just for shits and giggles because humans hate being woken up.  More effective/amusing if you implement claws.

Laundry Pile
Human - Clothing that needs to be washed.
Cat - Bed.
Human - Handy addition to the home for heating the immediate environment.
Cat - Bed.  Even though am obviously uncomfortable as it feels like butt and paws are in direct contact with the fiery pits of Hell.  Glare at humans for making it so hot but stay put anyway.  

Human - Food preparation area.  More sanitary if cat keeps paws off worktops.
Cat - Hey, what you doing? Why'd you put me on the floor?  Is that food?  Why'd you put me on the floor?  Can I have a hug? Why'd you put me on the floor? etc etc.

Human - Electronic entertainment to stave off thoughts of mortality/stuff that I'm actually meant to be getting done.
Cat - Portals into another dimension.  Must sit directly on/in front of device in order to stop humans being sucked in.  God forbid I actually have to hunt for my food like some sort of wild animal.
Human -  Items worn outside of the body for warmth/ to make self look hip and trendy.  So hip and trendy.
Cat - Needs more fur.  I will lie on it.

Cat Toys
Human - Look how nice I am, giving cat something fun to play with.  Look, cat! Look how fun this is!
Cat - Human playthings.  Humans are an easily amused species.  Morons.
Cardboard Box 
Human - Disposable container.
Cat - Holy fuck, this is awesome!  I am an astronaut!  A pirate!  Now I'm a ninja!  No one can see me now mwahahaha!!
"Tee hee. I am so invisible right now."

Human - Complex, autonomous being with own free will trying to figure own own purpose in life.
Cat - Food/attention bringing slave.  Also bed.
Sigh... I need to get out more.