Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Cats vs Humans

Ow, I hurt my... me!  Had my second ever experience with atlas stones last night, and as a result, am now feeling like I was at the losing end of a bar fight with Mr T. Woke up to what I briefly thought was a heart attack this morning, to find it was only the snazzy bruise on my chest complaining as I tried and failed to flip myself over.  Never thought I'd be part of an organisation that sees chucking concrete (concrete!! That stuff that pavements and breeze blocks are made of. WT-actual-Eff?!) balls around as an excellent, healthy activity.

Moaning aside, I'm chuffed I went to that particular session.  I always find that the classes that make me want to cry the most at the start also tend to end with me feeling like She-Hulk, but with pastier skin.  Raaah! The fact that I found it so challenging can mean only one thing - That as soon as I get the knack, I will LOVE it.  Logic for you.  

Also, the bruises look pretty bad ass.  

"Oh, this little thing?  I got it from THROWING A BIG ASS BALL OF CONCRETE AROUND!! You need me to open that jar of pickles for you?  Perhaps direct you to the beach whilst tactically but discretely showing off my guns?"

I kid.  I don't have guns.  Weapons or physical.

You find me at the second of two days off I've magically managed to get off work at the last minute this week.  My manager is a saint who knows that the best way to get me to do my job well is to secure me as many days off doing actual work as possible.  Glad we see eye to eye.  I am sat at my PC with a snoring lump of fluff in my lap that I've spent a lot of time hanging out with over the festive period.

No, I haven't let my personal grooming get out of hand.  I am fully clothed, and Walter the cat has chosen to sleep in the most inconvenient spot he can find.  As per.  After glaring at me like this...

If looks could kill.
...from the printer for a while, he has now forgiven me for whatever crimes he is silently accusing me of in the above image, and has now settled in my lap/on the arm I need for the mouse.  The more time I spend with Walter, the clearer it becomes to me how differently these fluffy, conniving bundles of manipulation see the world to humans.  I have come prepared with some examples.  I shall roll up my sleeves and begin:
The Human Nose
Human - Facial feature for sniffing out food (and probably other things too.  But mostly food).
Cat - Human "on" button.  Sticks out from duvet while humans sleep, handily reachable from bedside table for when I need to be let out to pee at 4am.  Or just for shits and giggles because humans hate being woken up.  More effective/amusing if you implement claws.

Laundry Pile
Human - Clothing that needs to be washed.
Cat - Bed.
Human - Handy addition to the home for heating the immediate environment.
Cat - Bed.  Even though am obviously uncomfortable as it feels like butt and paws are in direct contact with the fiery pits of Hell.  Glare at humans for making it so hot but stay put anyway.  

Human - Food preparation area.  More sanitary if cat keeps paws off worktops.
Cat - Hey, what you doing? Why'd you put me on the floor?  Is that food?  Why'd you put me on the floor?  Can I have a hug? Why'd you put me on the floor? etc etc.

Human - Electronic entertainment to stave off thoughts of mortality/stuff that I'm actually meant to be getting done.
Cat - Portals into another dimension.  Must sit directly on/in front of device in order to stop humans being sucked in.  God forbid I actually have to hunt for my food like some sort of wild animal.
Human -  Items worn outside of the body for warmth/ to make self look hip and trendy.  So hip and trendy.
Cat - Needs more fur.  I will lie on it.

Cat Toys
Human - Look how nice I am, giving cat something fun to play with.  Look, cat! Look how fun this is!
Cat - Human playthings.  Humans are an easily amused species.  Morons.
Cardboard Box 
Human - Disposable container.
Cat - Holy fuck, this is awesome!  I am an astronaut!  A pirate!  Now I'm a ninja!  No one can see me now mwahahaha!!
"Tee hee. I am so invisible right now."

Human - Complex, autonomous being with own free will trying to figure own own purpose in life.
Cat - Food/attention bringing slave.  Also bed.
Sigh... I need to get out more.


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