Monday, 16 May 2016

My Headspace Needs an Interior Designer

Eurovision result was a bit disappointing, wasn't it?  Where were the spangly gays and sexed up "traditional" costumes that I've come to expect and love?  If it weren't for this parody by the presenters, I'd have had a right cob on:

Amazing.  Actually amazing.
Only fault I can find with it is that I now get the lyric "and a man in a hamster wheel!" popping into my head at inopportune moments.

Other stuff has happened in the ENTIRE MONTH I've not blogged (oops).  I made this clever decision:

Sheet saan!

My thought process went something along the lines of
 "I've recently watched the London marathon and quite fancy being able to tell people that I've run two full marathons in my lifetime.  I have less free time than I used to and my weird, ankle/foot pain thing never totally went away.  It's blatantly a terrible idea to train for another, but if I get a place via the ballot, it's obviously meant to be and will be super easy and fun silly times because marathons are famous for how easy they are. Yup, this is sensible!" 

I'm not entirely certain what I want the outcome to be.  My fate is in Richard Branson's hands.  He seems to largely know what he's doing, so I'm hopeful that he won't fuck me over.  Good old Ritchy B.

Another thing that's happened is that I've largely been stressed.  Nothing major, just that underlying, anxious buzz that comes not having enough hours in the day or enough metaphorical hands to a...ah, I'm sure I had a good metaphor to start with there but it's gone now.  Take my word for it that it was insightful and wittily creative, 'kay?  Usually, I just let the stress build up into a grand crescendo, where I bite the heads off anyone with in a 3 mile radius of me for a few days and then break down sobbing when A asks me to put the kettle on because I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING, OKAY?!!  I took a different approach this time.  I invested in a meditation app called Headspace.

If you've not heard of it, it's basically a collection of 10-20 minute sessions, where a nice sounding chap called Andy guides you through various mental exercises that help you learn to chill out and see your emotions from a different perspective.  He sets you up in the bird watching shed in your brain and lets you objectively watch the greater spotted tit that is your emotional self from a distance.  I've been doing it for about 20 days on the trot now, and I do feel a bit more rational and less like I'm going to set fire to my head and aggressively do the Macarena round my local Tesco in my pants.  Whether it's giving me a better perspective on things remains to be seen, but it is nice sitting still for a little chunk of day and just being for a bit.  It's essentially napping without napping.  Okay, sometimes it turns into napping.

Using Headspace has taught me a few things.  One of which is that proper relaxation is so alien to me that whenever I open my eyes at the end of a session, I feel like I've been mildly roofied and it takes me a while to come back to reality.  Another is that I'm completely incapable of counting up to ten with my eyes shut without my brain going off on a little holiday of its own accord.  Here are some thoughts I recall from a few of these trips down the rabbit hole of my head:

1.  My nose is itchy.  Am I allowed to scratch, or does that lose me zen points? Okay, ignore it.  Do not think about the itchy nose.  Think instead about the...why is my head itchy now?  Am I being devoured by fleas?  OH MY GOD, MY SKIN IS TURNING INSIDE OUT AND I WILL DIE OF DISCOMFORT, I HAVE TO SCRATCH!! I scratched.  I have let myself and nice Andy man down.  I will never reach Nirvana.

2.  "...Here we are now, entertain uuuus..."

3.  I really should learn more than one line to that "I took a pill in Ibiza song."  Drives me batshit hearing one line over and over again in my head.

4. "I took a pill in Eeebeeetha...."

5.  Someone is watching me.  Mustn't open my eyes. Concentrate.  Concentrate.  But what if A has a camera and he posts me doing this on Facebook? Maybe just take a peek...okay, we're good.  One breath, two breaths...okay, someone is definitely watching me now.

6.  Did I just fall asleep?  I definitely blacked out for at least a minute there.

7.  One, two, banana, three, four, suitcase, nine, six, trombone, one... Wait, what?

Bongos.  Is it normal to discover the fountain bit of the intro from Friends waiting behind your eyelids when you shut your eyes?  I haven't watched Friends for months.  Hee.  Friends.

9.  Oh my God, I've just had such a good idea for a novel!

Chihuahua What was my idea again?  How have I forgotten it?  I thought of it eight seconds ago!

1I should totally spend my savings for a house on another tattoo.  It's an investment. 

2.  One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, oh my God, I made it up to seven without losing my train of thought, I'm so proud of myself!  I'm gonna have a really nice snack after this to celebrate with jam on and... ahh bollocks!! One, two...

Spacehopper.  "I took a pill in Eebeeeeetha...dobeedobee dooo de doo de doo..."


Yeah, I think I might need a bit more practice before I become a superhero ninja monk , but at least I no longer want to bash myself over the head with a frying pan like I'm playing both of the lead characters in Bottom.  I'm off to Google song lyrics now for my own sanity.

Love love, peace peace.