Sunday, 24 July 2016

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na MUD RUUUUN!


Today was productive.  I've had an approximate total of three naps, experienced the same lasagna twice (think about it...) and started a sentence that did start with "uuugh!" or "poor meee!" maybe once... That sentence right there.  

My guts have held me hostage again. I've been sulking about the cruel irony that I want to comfort myself in the only way I know how (by shoving food in my face) and can't. Still in near total denial of the likelihood that am possibly a little lactose sensitive because who wants to admit that their favourite thing in the world makes them occasionally spend a day in the fetal position crying for their mummy?  For the record - if I am lactose sensitive/intolerant/whatever, the Five Guys salted caramel milkshake was 100% worth it.  It's like..just..I have no words.

Anyhoo, yesterday was enough fun for two days, so I won't complain (hah!).  It was my first ever Race for Life Pretty Muddy Event.  It lived up to its name.  Before and after shots:

Shit for brains
 Shit in hair (probably)

Not too sure what I can say that I've not said before about Race For Life. My first ever running event was a Race For Life and I couldn't have had a better boot up the butt to get into this running malarkey.  No sense of competition, no negativity.  Just a bugger ton of women clad in pink and game for a laugh, coming together for an awesome cause.

What was different to the usual on this particular event though was pretty obvious - the oodles of Singleton Park cack smeared up and down me at the end. My camera didn't do the aftermath justice at all.  My bath tub looked like I'd been storing fertilizer in it for a week after I was done showering. This was Swansea's inaugural Pretty Muddy event and I sure as shit hope it won't be the last!

Here's some stuff what sticks out in my memory of the morning:

1.  Power walking about the equivalent of the race distance just getting to the bloody thing.

Because of my tip top organizational skills, the car journey up to the race consisted of me gripping at my steering wheel, wide eyed and barking  "BUT WHERE DO I PARK?!!" at Andy, who was trying to mind his own business in the passenger seat.  That, or he was willing said passenger seat to swallow him whole so he didn't have to witness my having a mental breakdown in the middle of a busy road.  By some miracle, we made it with about 10 minutes to spare, during which I happily watched the warm up, after which it dawned on me that I should have been doing said warm up. I so intent on getting to the thing on time, that I briefly forgot that I was participating in the thing. Oops.

"Look how much fun they're having! Wait...didn't I come here to do something?"

I've only ever done one obstacle race in my time, and from that experience and seeing similar events advertised, it's easy to see why people can be under the impression that such events are testosterone fueled strength tests full of fire and fear and ALMOST DEATH!!  Some are (without the whole death bit, of course.  I doubt many people would fork out fifty quid for a spot of wall climbing with a side order of their inevitable demise) like that and that's fine, but Race For Life ain't about that ish.  Fun is the aim of the game, and they dished it out in spades.  The obstacles included hopping through pink tyres, bouncing off giant inflatable hurdles and (my favorite, in case you couldn't already tell) SPACE HOPPERS!  It's very hard to take a sporting event seriously when you're straddling a massive, boingy ball and trying not to smack the floor with your face because you can't concentrate on laughing and staying upright simultaneously.

The big, blow up slide at the finish line into a pool of muddy water was pretty good too..
3.  WUMMIN!!

I've said it before and I'll say it again - if you want to lighten the mood anywhere,fling a bunch of women together, provide them with some tacky pink accessories and send them on their merry way (ever witnessed a hen do?  A lot can be said for a set of plastic penis head boppers).  The sense of lightheartedness and camaraderie at any Race For Life is amazing.  Everyone gees each other along, and there is sub zero competition - no one's out there to beat anyone, and nothing is taken seriously, even if the reason why we're all there is never far from our minds.  Reading the heart wrenching stories of cancer survivors and fighters on people's rear race bibs nearly has me weeping openly in public every year, but I always finish the races with a massive, cheesy grin on my face.  I just...gah!!

4.  Medals.  Obvs.

I mean, why else does anyone do anything ever?

Just a short one today.  Sorry.  Or you're welcome.  Delete as appropriate.
  Whinging about my digestive plight has taken it out of me and I want to go to bed now, because clearly it isn't enough for me to be able to count a day's naps on only one hand.  Just thought I'd check in and brag about the fun I had, because I cannot obtain a medal and not wang on about it.  It's just not possible.  Hope you had a great weekend and that you were a functioning human for the whole thing as opposed to just half of it.  If you weren't, I hope that someone patted  your head and offered you soup.


Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Obligatory Pokemon Go Post (Sorrynotsorry)

There is a small chance that I may have cooked using chillis this evening and have just touched my eyeball.  Sweet Lucifer's pyjamas, it burns!!  Going to power through it though, because I'm a champ...

Hello!  This post is going to be about Pokemon Go.  Am being up front about it to save anyone with little to no interest who has been buffeted (mmm...buffet) around the face with the constant stream of social media updates about this hideously addictive game.  This is another such post.  Sorry and see you next post (please come back, I love you!).  I wish you well.

Now, the rest of you...look what's on my computer! 

 Why are there always bloody pidgeys?! My locale is riddled with the fuckers

I'm often out walking the mutt, so this game's turned out to be a fun little distraction while I'm plodding around the neighborhood twice daily.  Also when I'm sat down in the house.  And when I'm stood up.  And waiting in queues in shops.  And when I'm stuck in non moving traffic.

...Okay, pretty much all the time that my eyes are open.  There, I said it.  It's just a phase..the novelty will wear off soon.  Probably.  Maybe.  Hopefully (help me).

If your Facebook feed is anything like mine, it's congested with updates from two very opposing camps:

1. Ohmigod, I caught a Thingyfluffymon level bajillion etc etc here's how I did it waah this is fun fun fun my legs hurt and I'm sixty miles from my house without a bus fare!  Hahahaha!  Can someone ring my mum?

2.  Urgh.  I have no interest in Pokemon Go.  So little in fact, that I am going to write at length about how little I care about on every social media platform I have.  I mean, it's just catching pretend animals on your phone - so stupid!

Of course it's stupid! It's a game.  It has no higher purpose than to amuse.  You can make anything sound idiotic if you phrase it a certain way:
  • Ugh, cooking.  I mean, it's just heating things up until they're edible,right?  
  • Ew, reading.  Just, like, looking at patterns that make pictures in your head.  Sooo dumb! 
  • Breathing, amirite?  Sucking in oxygen and blowing out carbon dioxide.  Just,, out, in, out...all day long. Booriiiiing!
I am in no way saying that Pokemon Go is akin to breathing, but I'm trying to make a valid (?) point about the social media put-you-downers, m'kay?  Keep breathing, dear reader.  Is good for you!  Or so I hear.  I've been sucked into this game (Pokemon Go, not breathing.  I've been into that for as long as I can remember.  Am very good at it.  At least level 70) for about a week now, so I thought I'd fling together some observations for you.  

Chances are if you've had a go at the game, you are reading this only out of desperation for something, anything to distract you from the fact that the game's servers have crashed yet again.  Word of advice - take this sudden bump back to a reality to go look after yourself.  Drink water.  Eat food.  And for God's sake, man, wash.  You're starting to smell a little funky from all the additional walking.  This post will still be waiting for you once you have taken care of your basic non Pokemon related human needsIn fact, I will wait.

Welcome back!  You smell delicious.  So.  My experiences thus far with Pokemon Go and what you can expect from it if you have yet to try it:

If you play it and go for a run, looking mental is totally unavoidable
Also, the run will never be as short as you expect it to be.  Your route will go from a simple 3 mile loop round the block to a crazy zigzag experience that lasts 2 hours as you visit "just one more Pokestop, it's really close!"  My 2 mile, slightly hung over bimble to pick up my car up from a local pub on Sunday turned into a 7 mile, messy sprint-walk-pause-to-wait-for-servers-to-work...sprint...stop...jog...sprint...thing.  I imagine from an aerial vantage point, I must have looked like one of those flies that bump crazily into invisible walls in the air, constantly changing its course.  Why do flies do that, by the way?  Do they have tiny mobile phones that we can't see? 

You will get unnecessarily emotionally involved when you encounter a new critter
OH MY GOD, I DON'T HAVE THAT CAT THING, IS SO CUTE! I must have it!  I will throw all of the balls...I need to own this cartoon thing that only exists in my phone and will impress no one.  It is the most important thing in the..oh, nearly got more...


WHERE THE FUCK HAS IT GONE!! I ALMOST HAD IT!! Why are those children backing away from me?  How did I end up in the middle of a packed park?

You will sink to new lows
You can use your new imaginary friends to do battle with other people's imaginary friends at designated stops out in the world called Pokemon gyms.  Once you have kicked their Pokemon out of the gym it is guarding by whooping its ass and knocking it out, you can install your Pokemon and take the gym over for the team you represent (blue, red or yellow).  Victory and all that.  Through doing this, I've discovered the uncomfortable truth that I'm not above concealing myself around the corner from a small child who is bravely manning his post close to the nearest gym and kicking his virtual butt into the next school term, laughing openly to myself at his misfortune.  Take that, tiny human!  That'll set your expectations for the real world!  Sucks, dunnit?  Bwahahaha!

Your boundaries between game and reality may get a bit wonky
After one morning's productive "hunting," I may have forgotten how to play fetch with my real life, flesh and blood pet animal and thrown his tennis ball at him and not for him...more than once.  Needless to say, he wasn't captured and added to my statistics, much to my disappointment. He'd make a crap Pokemon anyway.  Does this look like a ferocious beast to you?

A wild puppy appeared!
Special attack: sooper derp
 Level: Minus 12
 Happy hunting all, and try not to make small children cry!

Sunday, 3 July 2016

Becky & Jesse's Guide to Dog Walking Etiquette

Hey hi hello!

The good folk at got in touch with me and expressed their enthusiasm for educating people on good dog walking etiquette so naturally, I jumped at the opportunity to show off my boundless (translation: questionable) wisdom (translation #2 desire to show off).  I know I get a handful of American readers - my stats thingy tells me this, so it must be true.  Unless it's lying to me for some reason - in which case, the robots are becoming sentient, so maybe you should turn off your computer and go hide somewhere where the internet can't get you.

Anyway, yes...If you're an American reader with a stinky, licky friend of the canine variety, provides a service where it matches you up with local dog boarding, sitting and walking services should you ever need extra assistance in the care of aforementioned stinky canine.  Link!

Sentient robots and handy websites aside, Jesse (my dawg) and I have put our thinking spectacles on and come up with a list of useful (translation #3 very loosely thought out) tips for dog walking etiquette. Feel free to wear your thinking specs to read if you like.  Here are ours:

Becky & Jesse's Guide to Dog Walking Etiquette

1. On preparing for the first walkies of the day:

Becky: Morning walkies will set the tone for the whole day for both you and your dog.  It's important to greet your walking partner with enthusiasm for the adventure ahead, no matter what the weather.  That way, you will both be alert and happy to head out the door with a spring in your step.

Jesse:  No.  Just no.  Sleep > everything else that isn't sleep or food.

 2.  On dealing with aggro neighbour dogs who are indoors:

Becky:  If you know that you are going to be walking past any homes that have other dogs in them who enjoy a good bark at the window, consider their humans' feelings and poor, battered ears by giving that home a wide berth.  This way, the owners get an few extra minutes of peace and no dogs need to be needlessly agitated.

Jesse:  When you know that shouty enemy dogs are nearby and safely behind glass, strain with all your might at their house, because they shouldn't be allowed to shout at you like that and besides, they can't get you through the window.  Puff yourself up like the proud descendant of the wolf that you are, prepare yourself to maintain hostile eye contact and then... immediately regret your decision and whine like a kettle coming to the boil at your owner for being mean enough to parade you in front of nasty, barky bullies.  Why they got to be so mean?

3.  On encountering other dogs outdoors:

Becky:  When you encounter other dogs whilst out on a walk, unless you know them and you are comfortable that the exchange between pets is going to be a happy one, it's best to err on the side of caution and give them some space, crossing the street if necessary.  Just as it is with people, just because dogs are the same species, it doesn't guarantee that they will all like each other or even fancy interacting with every single other soul they meet.

Jesse:  FRIEND!! OMG IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF ME, HE MUST BE MY FRIEND, I MUST MEET...wait...why are we moving away from them? They could be my soul mate!  They could have a butt that smells like biscuits and bacon!  They could...God dammit, human, where are you dragging me??

4.  On poop

Becky:  In no situation does anyone appreciate unexpected poop.  Pick it up in a bag and dispose of it in designated bins.  And don't be one of those people who unfathomably think it's considerate to bag it and then just leave it on the street.  Or worse still, make the painstaking effort of tying it to a tree branch.  One, it's gross and two..just...why??
Jess:  Ooh, unexpected poop!  I will appreciate it with my face.  Oh, happy day!

5.  On encountering other humans:

Becky:  Similar to point #3.  If you know the person and know that they are comfortable being around dogs, by all means, go up and say hello.  If no, give them space - especially if they are out running or cycling.  I've been that runner who has nearly fallen backside over boobs over a shin height Jack Russel or two that I've been too far into my own head to see.  If you're out with your pooch, just take a step to the side and let the hobbyist pass in peace.

Jesse:  Greet all of the bipedal creatures with gusto, even the ones on wheels.  People LOVE dogs, especially me on account of my cuteness.  If you think they are ignoring you, don't worry -they simply haven't seen you.   Place yourself directly in the path of their legs or wheels and they will soon be down at ground level with you, ready to be attacked with licks.

6.  On...or off lead (Or "leash" for you folk across the big pond with the sharks in it)?

Becky: If your dog has good recall, there's no harm in letting him have a good sprint around an enclosed dog park or through some long grass in a quiet field.  If you're walking in a built up area or close to traffic, it's generally best to keep your pal safely tethered to you.  For his safety and for others'.

Jesse:  Why do you restrain me in this manner?  I am wild!  I AM WOLF!  I deserve to be FREE!  Oof, that big metal box on wheels got a bit close.  But that's besides the point!  UNHAND ME!!

We are done looking thoughtful and wise now.  There are walkies to be had!  I hope you found this useful and informative.  Jesse hopes you found some treats and will be patiently awaiting a reward for all of his hard work today.  He likes those big, chewy chicken sticks the best.

Becky:  How can I craft a post that is both sensible and informative for the good of the dog owning masses?
Jesse:  Ball...snacks...walkies...poop...