Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Obligatory Pokemon Go Post (Sorrynotsorry)

There is a small chance that I may have cooked using chillis this evening and have just touched my eyeball.  Sweet Lucifer's pyjamas, it burns!!  Going to power through it though, because I'm a champ...

Hello!  This post is going to be about Pokemon Go.  Am being up front about it to save anyone with little to no interest who has been buffeted (mmm...buffet) around the face with the constant stream of social media updates about this hideously addictive game.  This is another such post.  Sorry and see you next post (please come back, I love you!).  I wish you well.

Now, the rest of you...look what's on my computer! 

 Why are there always bloody pidgeys?! My locale is riddled with the fuckers

I'm often out walking the mutt, so this game's turned out to be a fun little distraction while I'm plodding around the neighborhood twice daily.  Also when I'm sat down in the house.  And when I'm stood up.  And waiting in queues in shops.  And when I'm stuck in non moving traffic.

...Okay, pretty much all the time that my eyes are open.  There, I said it.  It's just a phase..the novelty will wear off soon.  Probably.  Maybe.  Hopefully (help me).

If your Facebook feed is anything like mine, it's congested with updates from two very opposing camps:

1. Ohmigod, I caught a Thingyfluffymon level bajillion etc etc here's how I did it waah this is fun fun fun my legs hurt and I'm sixty miles from my house without a bus fare!  Hahahaha!  Can someone ring my mum?

2.  Urgh.  I have no interest in Pokemon Go.  So little in fact, that I am going to write at length about how little I care about on every social media platform I have.  I mean, it's just catching pretend animals on your phone - so stupid!

Of course it's stupid! It's a game.  It has no higher purpose than to amuse.  You can make anything sound idiotic if you phrase it a certain way:
  • Ugh, cooking.  I mean, it's just heating things up until they're edible,right?  
  • Ew, reading.  Just, like, looking at patterns that make pictures in your head.  Sooo dumb! 
  • Breathing, amirite?  Sucking in oxygen and blowing out carbon dioxide.  Just, like...in, out, in, out...all day long. Booriiiiing!
I am in no way saying that Pokemon Go is akin to breathing, but I'm trying to make a valid (?) point about the social media put-you-downers, m'kay?  Keep breathing, dear reader.  Is good for you!  Or so I hear.  I've been sucked into this game (Pokemon Go, not breathing.  I've been into that for as long as I can remember.  Am very good at it.  At least level 70) for about a week now, so I thought I'd fling together some observations for you.  

Chances are if you've had a go at the game, you are reading this only out of desperation for something, anything to distract you from the fact that the game's servers have crashed yet again.  Word of advice - take this sudden bump back to a reality to go look after yourself.  Drink water.  Eat food.  And for God's sake, man, wash.  You're starting to smell a little funky from all the additional walking.  This post will still be waiting for you once you have taken care of your basic non Pokemon related human needsIn fact, I will wait.

Welcome back!  You smell delicious.  So.  My experiences thus far with Pokemon Go and what you can expect from it if you have yet to try it:

If you play it and go for a run, looking mental is totally unavoidable
Also, the run will never be as short as you expect it to be.  Your route will go from a simple 3 mile loop round the block to a crazy zigzag experience that lasts 2 hours as you visit "just one more Pokestop, it's really close!"  My 2 mile, slightly hung over bimble to pick up my car up from a local pub on Sunday turned into a 7 mile, messy sprint-walk-pause-to-wait-for-servers-to-work...sprint...stop...jog...sprint...thing.  I imagine from an aerial vantage point, I must have looked like one of those flies that bump crazily into invisible walls in the air, constantly changing its course.  Why do flies do that, by the way?  Do they have tiny mobile phones that we can't see? 

You will get unnecessarily emotionally involved when you encounter a new critter
OH MY GOD, I DON'T HAVE THAT CAT THING, IS SO CUTE! I must have it!  I will throw all of the balls...I need to own this cartoon thing that only exists in my phone and will impress no one.  It is the most important thing in the..oh, nearly got it..one more...


WHERE THE FUCK HAS IT GONE!! I ALMOST HAD IT!! Why are those children backing away from me?  How did I end up in the middle of a packed park?

You will sink to new lows
You can use your new imaginary friends to do battle with other people's imaginary friends at designated stops out in the world called Pokemon gyms.  Once you have kicked their Pokemon out of the gym it is guarding by whooping its ass and knocking it out, you can install your Pokemon and take the gym over for the team you represent (blue, red or yellow).  Victory and all that.  Through doing this, I've discovered the uncomfortable truth that I'm not above concealing myself around the corner from a small child who is bravely manning his post close to the nearest gym and kicking his virtual butt into the next school term, laughing openly to myself at his misfortune.  Take that, tiny human!  That'll set your expectations for the real world!  Sucks, dunnit?  Bwahahaha!

Your boundaries between game and reality may get a bit wonky
After one morning's productive "hunting," I may have forgotten how to play fetch with my real life, flesh and blood pet animal and thrown his tennis ball at him and not for him...more than once.  Needless to say, he wasn't captured and added to my statistics, much to my disappointment. He'd make a crap Pokemon anyway.  Does this look like a ferocious beast to you?

A wild puppy appeared!
Special attack: sooper derp
 Level: Minus 12
 Happy hunting all, and try not to make small children cry!

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