Tuesday, 16 August 2016

How to Speak Mum

'Iya!  Cheating a little bit this week because I sort of already have the material for this month's post.  Sue me.

Actually, don't sue me.  I am so very, very poor and I need as much cash I can get for pints at Reading Festival next week.  Don't want me to go thirsty, do you?  Or even worse....sober?


It was my mum's birthday yesterday!  It was a milestone one, but I'm likely to get a hiding if I tell you which milestone, so, just...happy 21st, Mum!  I made her a naff scrap book type thing of blog style entries either addressed to her or about her, and she celebrated by going on a Prosecco fueled jolly with her mates down the pub.  I would show you a picture of her, but a photo with her whole face in it is rarer than hamster that poops diamonds:

Anyone recall the Powerpuff Girls?  Where the mayor's secretary was only visible from the waist down?  My mum's a bit like that.  Her face promptly disappears behind her hands whenever she can even sniff a camera.  Which is just as well, because she has five eyes and fangs for teeth.


She doesn't have five eyes and fangs...What she does have is a keen and sometimes inappropriate sense of humour, which she has passed on to me.  Whether this is an act of generosity or evil is for you to judge from all these posts I bestow upon you (sort of) weekly, O Ever Watchful Internet (all hail).

I've lost track of what I initially wanted to say, so I'm just going to slap my pre written blog post that I originally concocted for my mum's "book" (better word pending) down below (heh).  It's about how to translate Tina Talk; a language unto itself.  Here y'are:

How to Speak Mum

I feel that before embarking on this little project, it’s important to get the lingo down pat so that anyone reading this has other than Mum (Mum, feel free to skip this chapter.  Have a coffee, stick One Born Every Minute on and we’ll join you in a few) has a clearer idea of how to decipher Tina Taunton’s Mum-isms.  For the most part, she converses in English, but there are some key phrases she employs that on the surface appear to be English but on closer inspection have another meaning.  Being armed with a few key translations can aid you in communication with Ms Taunton and may one day save your life.  Please read carefully:

“Don’t begit your sister.  She’s only little.”

Obey Shaunna’s every whim and desire or she will create holy Hell for you, me, the neighbours and any nearby flora and fauna within tantrum range.  She might be small, but her moods are powerful and her cry is deadly.

“ Do what you want.”

If you so much as think of doing the thing that you’ve just suggested, sniffer dogs will be retrieving your body parts from trees for weeks.  Go on, do it.  I dare you.

“Go and play outside.  It’s lovely out.”

Fuck off out.  Your presence is giving me a migraine and I want to clean.

“Do you fancy _______ for dinner tonight?”

You are having ________ for dinner and you will be pleased about it.  This is not optional, but aren’t I nice for making it seem that it is?  

“We’re going to have a couple of quiet drinks, maybe some cheese and crackers with the neighbours tonight.”

...Flash forward eight hours to a scene of inebriated chaos.  Teenagers intermittently vomiting and running up and down the street outside, pets snaffling up mounds of stray cheese from under the table adults cheering the sudden appearance of that one bottle of tequila of questionable origin that always turns up at these events as if by magic like a hangover inducing genie.

“What do you think of this dress?”

LET ME SPEND MY MONEY ON YOU!! Also, you look like you got dressed in the dark whilst wearing a straight jacket.  You clearly need my help.

“Do you need a hairbrush/comb?”

You look like you were dragged here after getting your hair stuck in the spokes of someone’s bike and then dropped off in a stampeding field of cows.  Take my offer of a hairbrush or I will refuse to be seen in public with you.

“I’m just going to run the hoover round the living room.”

See you in twelve hours when I have hoovered and polished the house, the pets and the football field over the road.  

“Don’t use that tea towel.  It’s only for display.”

<<<< Error: Translation not found.  Does not compute. >>>>

Tuesday, 9 August 2016

Ain't Got No Time For That

Left a fortnight between posts.  Again.  You know why?

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TIME!!!  As I get older, what little of it I am allotted per day is being condensed down into hours that feel like seconds; seconds that swirl rapidly down the plughole into oblivion faster than I can say "Agh!"  It's fucking terrifying. 

As kids, we don't believe our parents/grand parents/that old creep at the bus stop that time goes from "God, I'm so BORED" to "OhmyfuckingGod STOP!! I WANT TO GET OFF!!" in no time at all.  Great nights out that I reminisce about experiencing "a few months ago" are coming up on my Timehop app as being at their second anniversary.  

Kebabgate was how long ago??

Big life events like leaving school, graduating and learning to drive?  I don't even want to count how far back those things are.  Oh! Oh!  And that marathon I "just" ran?  About a year and a half ago.

My sentiments exactly, year-ago me.

I'm hyperventilating here at the flash forward I've just had of me,  five years from now, reading this exact post and thinking "but I only wrote this last week! What is this black magic?"  It's just...ugh!

As I'm hurtling through my life at Delorean speed (actually, maybe more like warp speed...didn't the Delorean only go to 66mph?  And it went back in time mostly.  Not forward.  Terrible metaphor, Becky.  Sort it out.  God), you'd have though I'd be a bit of an expert in prioritizing my most precious commodity in this wink of existence that is my life.  

So, am I any good at it?  I'll let you be the judge of that one.

 I present to you a list of what I do not have time for vs what I do.  Happy judging:

What I do not have time for

1.  Ironing -I really hope I'm not alone in this.  I buy my clothes based on whether or not I can get away with not ironing them because who wants to waste an hour of their day applying hot metal to fabric?  Not me.  Handy tip: stretchy, dark clothes are the best, because even if they're more creased than your great nan's elbows (heh.  You thought I was going to say worse then elbows, didn't you? Filth), you can stretch them right out!  The clothes, not the elbows.  Don't think your Nana would appreciate you tugging her excess skin this way and that.

2.  Cooking actual food - I had a toastie for dinner tonight.  Cheese and ham.  And then I ate some celery out of a bag.  I am trying to get better at the whole eating for actual, usable nutrition thing (like wot functioning grown-ups do)...I bought Lean in 15.  I fry the meats with the vegetables a couple of times a week. But mostly, I settle for the convenient.  The cheese and onion sandwich with the side order of cheese and onion crisps.  The cheese pastie.  Cheese on toast.  Basically, I have no time for any food that isn't cheese.

3.  Cleaning - I have a cat, a dog and a grown man who sheds more hair than the animals put together, so technically, I should be cleaning my house at least three times more than someone living alone.  Nah.  Instead, I glower at the fluff of mixed origins gathering between my toes, swear venomously at the dust that's piling up on every surface and chastise my belongings for not putting themselves away.  Then, in a fit of superhuman productivity (i.e when I've got something more pressing that I need to do that isn't cleaning), I will tornado round the house with a cleaning implement attached to each limb and smugly inform my boyfriend that I am better than him and he is lazy because "look how much I bloody well do around this place while you're sat there!  I'm a saint.  A SAINT!!"

4.  Coming up with neat blogging lists that end on nice numbers like 5 and 10 (as opposed to ending abruptly on weird ones like 4).

What I do have time for 

1. Talking (*cough* blogging *cough*) about all the things I don't have time to do - I have a pile of dishes to do, food shopping to gather and a dog to walk.  But...here I am!  Taa-daa...

2.  Sleeping - Anyone who's read this blog before will know I'm an expert napper.  I sleep like a performing acrobat on hallucinogenics (surprised I've not woken up on the ceiling yet), so naturally, my body feels that it's important to prioritize replenishing zzz's wherever possible.  Even if that is mid conversation at Andy's parents' house or when I'm sitting on the bed, about to put some socks on "to go to that important thing."

3.  Listing all the things that "I'll just do tomorrow." - This magical place called "tomorrow" is somewhere where Future Me is going to conquer the cleaning, the work load, the washing and the world!  It is a place of wonder.  A place of productivity.  A place where pigs might fucking fly.

4.  My phone -  Just had a thought.  What if time isn't getting faster, but instead phone apps are getting more absorbing?  Absorbing your attention, your time, your sense of reality... I'm sure I had a whole extra hour in the day before Pokemon Go came along.  Oh my God, that's it!  Quick, burn all the phones!  They are the vacuums into which our hours and days go to die!  Let us free ourselves from this electronic, wireless monkey cage! Let us...ooh, a text! BRB.