Tuesday, 16 August 2016

How to Speak Mum

'Iya!  Cheating a little bit this week because I sort of already have the material for this month's post.  Sue me.

Actually, don't sue me.  I am so very, very poor and I need as much cash I can get for pints at Reading Festival next week.  Don't want me to go thirsty, do you?  Or even worse....sober?


It was my mum's birthday yesterday!  It was a milestone one, but I'm likely to get a hiding if I tell you which milestone, so, just...happy 21st, Mum!  I made her a naff scrap book type thing of blog style entries either addressed to her or about her, and she celebrated by going on a Prosecco fueled jolly with her mates down the pub.  I would show you a picture of her, but a photo with her whole face in it is rarer than hamster that poops diamonds:

Anyone recall the Powerpuff Girls?  Where the mayor's secretary was only visible from the waist down?  My mum's a bit like that.  Her face promptly disappears behind her hands whenever she can even sniff a camera.  Which is just as well, because she has five eyes and fangs for teeth.


She doesn't have five eyes and fangs...What she does have is a keen and sometimes inappropriate sense of humour, which she has passed on to me.  Whether this is an act of generosity or evil is for you to judge from all these posts I bestow upon you (sort of) weekly, O Ever Watchful Internet (all hail).

I've lost track of what I initially wanted to say, so I'm just going to slap my pre written blog post that I originally concocted for my mum's "book" (better word pending) down below (heh).  It's about how to translate Tina Talk; a language unto itself.  Here y'are:

How to Speak Mum

I feel that before embarking on this little project, it’s important to get the lingo down pat so that anyone reading this has other than Mum (Mum, feel free to skip this chapter.  Have a coffee, stick One Born Every Minute on and we’ll join you in a few) has a clearer idea of how to decipher Tina Taunton’s Mum-isms.  For the most part, she converses in English, but there are some key phrases she employs that on the surface appear to be English but on closer inspection have another meaning.  Being armed with a few key translations can aid you in communication with Ms Taunton and may one day save your life.  Please read carefully:

“Don’t begit your sister.  She’s only little.”

Obey Shaunna’s every whim and desire or she will create holy Hell for you, me, the neighbours and any nearby flora and fauna within tantrum range.  She might be small, but her moods are powerful and her cry is deadly.

“ Do what you want.”

If you so much as think of doing the thing that you’ve just suggested, sniffer dogs will be retrieving your body parts from trees for weeks.  Go on, do it.  I dare you.

“Go and play outside.  It’s lovely out.”

Fuck off out.  Your presence is giving me a migraine and I want to clean.

“Do you fancy _______ for dinner tonight?”

You are having ________ for dinner and you will be pleased about it.  This is not optional, but aren’t I nice for making it seem that it is?  

“We’re going to have a couple of quiet drinks, maybe some cheese and crackers with the neighbours tonight.”

...Flash forward eight hours to a scene of inebriated chaos.  Teenagers intermittently vomiting and running up and down the street outside, pets snaffling up mounds of stray cheese from under the table adults cheering the sudden appearance of that one bottle of tequila of questionable origin that always turns up at these events as if by magic like a hangover inducing genie.

“What do you think of this dress?”

LET ME SPEND MY MONEY ON YOU!! Also, you look like you got dressed in the dark whilst wearing a straight jacket.  You clearly need my help.

“Do you need a hairbrush/comb?”

You look like you were dragged here after getting your hair stuck in the spokes of someone’s bike and then dropped off in a stampeding field of cows.  Take my offer of a hairbrush or I will refuse to be seen in public with you.

“I’m just going to run the hoover round the living room.”

See you in twelve hours when I have hoovered and polished the house, the pets and the football field over the road.  

“Don’t use that tea towel.  It’s only for display.”

<<<< Error: Translation not found.  Does not compute. >>>>

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