Sunday, 1 January 2017

My (totally realistic) Expectations of 2017


Happy 2017 to you, lovely, generous readers! 

Resolutions have been made (1. Finally get the better of the plantar fasciitis that's been making me walk like I've soiled myself on and off to two whole, limpy years. 2. Try to remain in the moment more often, as opposed to constantly leaping at warp speed into the future with a to do list that's longer that a Lord of the Rings script), my liver is diligently working to rid my body of the last traces of a month's Christmas boozing, and my jeans are cowering in fear for the next time I have to lie down to wrench them over my ever expanding hips.  It's been a fun festive season, but I'm happy to get off the bus now.

2016 was a mixed bag for me. On a personal level, it was great:
- Something in my head clicked into a new gear at Crossfit, and I now adore exercise more than I love a nice sit down (and I love those a lot!)
- I put a deposit down for my very first home.
- I've spent a whole year working for a company that I enjoy being part of and actually want to do well for.

Globally...well, I'm still waiting for the "gotcha!" moment on most of that.  Surely it's only a matter of time until Trump zips off his body suit to reveal Mr Blobby/Noel Edmonds pissing himself laughing...and for Bowie, Rickman, Harper Lee, Carrie Fisher et al to step out onto the world's stage, mega lol-ing at the funny, funny prank they played on us.  Silly, gullible public.

I genuinely have a good feeling about 2017.  And that's not just because I saved myself a fortune cookie from a Chinese take away for midnight that read:

Apologies for the stubby finger and poor picture quality.  Only the "selfie" camera on my phone is functional.  I may or may not have dropped it one time too many.

In the light of the Brexit/Harambe/celeb culling/Trump fuckery that 2016 offered us, I have curated a list of what I fully expect 2017 to bring.  The books need to be balanced, so I believe this list to be perfectly reasonable.  Please feel free to add your own items in the comments section under this post.  Right, so... 2017:

1.  David Attenborough will be granted immortality.

2. well as the U.S presidency.  After Blobby has revealed himself at the inauguration, of course.

3.  Fed up of dividing and themselves and alienating whole groups of people from each other, world leaders will come together to merge all countries into one super-space called Planet Happy Town, where local elections will be won by pillow fight and the losers all get a big cuddle and some hot chocolate afterwards because at least they tried their best, didn't they?

4.  A swathe of beloved cancelled TV shows will be given massive budgets to return to air.  I personally cannot wait for Pushing Daisies to come back.  God, I've been waiting far, far too long.  My poor heart can't take it any longer.

5.  Memberships to gyms will be free to all.  Fear not for the gym owners/coaches/trainers, because currency will no longer be cash.  Wealth will be amassed in the form of  "gratitude points", where those who do the most good will be the richest of us all.

6.  ...meaning that the NHS will be the blingiest public service going.  Nurses and doctors will treat patients in a uniform of tiaras, capes and those Kanye West trainers that are super expensive and hard to get.

7.  Dogs will become sacred animals globally, on account of their loyalty, unconditional love and cuteness.   Those who put them to sleep or cast them from their homes without due cause will be forced to live in outdoor kennels, where children occasionally visit to pull at their ears until they have learned how not to be a colossal ass hat.

8.  Active wear will become acceptable in any and all scenarios.  It is perfect for both running to that meeting you're really late for, and for dancing until 5a.m without giving yourself blistery claw feet, and the world will finally acknowledge this.

9.  Weekends will be 3-4 days long.

10.  Houses will become self cleaning and completely flame retardant.  No more running back to the house because you think you might have left your straighteners/oven/massive collection of Yankee Candles on.

So...forecast looks good, don't you agree?  See you at the gym tomorrow, on Sunday #2.  I'll bring my dog and my 24hr active wear.  All hail Attenborough!


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