*sheepishly raises a hand*
...Hi. Been a while, hasn't it? May have lost my sense of humour for a time there. Been a bit, um...tense, to tell truth. This whole buying-a-house thing is a bit of a head fuck isn't it? I'm fully aware that it's not a real problem; I'm purchasing a brand new roof over my head, which many many many people will never get to do, but in my current petty tunnel vision, it's the HARDEST THING EVER!! So much adminny minutiae to remember. So many people to chase up. So many goats to sacrifice to the house-buying gods (praise be). Doesn't help either that one of the key players in Operation Becky's New Digs is the actual real life manifestation of the "computer says no" lady from Little Britain.
Next Friday, Andy and I will be temporarily moving back to our respective mothers' homes while we wait for the house to be given innards (it has a roof and everything now!), so you can at least guarantee that I won't be short of material in the coming weeks. Blogs aplenty.
Today, I thought I'd veer away from my obsessive thought vortex about being a home owner and instead focus on something a little nicer. Tomorrow is mummer's day! During which we acknowledge the fact that our matriarchs once shat us into life via their front bottoms. Hurrah!
God, that's a vile mental image, I'm so sorry.
Meh, I'm leaving it in.
This morning, I've been mulling over why it is I'm grateful to Tina T (ooh, ahh, just a little bit..) for bringing me forth into a world of sunshine (for other residents of Wales - that orb thing that occasionally peeps through the murk in the sky), joy and endless, endless paperwork and phone calls. *Starts to viciously rip out chunks of own hair*
..Sorry, slipped back into the vortex. Genuinely, though. Whatever token tat I manage to present to my mum on mother's day will not be enough to thank/apologise to her for what she's had to put up with. The reasons for this area many
Why Flowers & Smellies Will Never Be Enough on Mothers' Day
"Get up, people can SEE you!!"
2. The obvious - she stretched her body beyond all reasonable proportions to house you for 9 months. You made her sick, tired, nauseous and uncomfortable. And, in all likelihood, you continue to do so to this day.
3. A £10 Amazon gift voucher in a soppy card will never cover the thousands of pounds your mother had to spend on your every new whim that took you as you grew up. I dread to conceive how much my fleeting hobbies amounted to in pounds sterling:
- the briefest of careers in karate and aaaaall the kit that came with it.
- mountains of felt pens replaced because "Muuuuuuum, these ones have gone all dry!"
- the pets you nagged for and then totally neglected as a child because "they're a bit annoying and they keep sitting on my homework."
- the hundred BILLION small, plastic animals that you hoarded because you NEED ALL OF THEM!!
- the countless "borrowed" £20 notes that you took "just in case" you needed extra money for a taxi home from the local night club at aged 17, with wriggle room for a cheeky kebab in the queue. Yes, drinking totally counts as a hobby.
4. If your mum was anything like mine, she was essentially an unpaid counselor for all your insane non-problems from toddlerhood right up until whatever age you are now:
- Age 2(little sis born) to 10: "I truly feel that I deserve more of the things because I am older than the newcomer. The amount of attention, food and stuff she gets is more or less equal to what I get. Clearly, I am bigger and more important, so we need to correct the balance here."
- Age 11 to...present, let's be honest: "I'M FAT AND UGLY AND UNWORTHY OF LOVE! I CAN'T STOP EATING AND THE ONLY THING THAT WILL MAKE IT BETTER IS IF YOU GIVE ME A MASSIVE PLATE OF CHIPS WITH TRIFLE FOR AFTERS, WAAH!" Trifle and chips eaten, whole cycle starts again.
- Age 17 to...okay, present again: "I'm hung over. Come, sit with me and I shall regale you with tales of desolate woe and unbridled happiness depending on where my hormones are currently at and how recently I've eaten. Can I have some soup and a blanket, please?"
5. No matter what you agree or disagree on, if your mum is anything like mine, she has the solution to your issues when you need it the most. Example: letting you and your dog live rent free in her already person and pet filled house for a month, maybe more, while you wait for somewhere new to live to materialise. *proudly gestures at the total lack of sarcasm and mocking in this point, awaits "daughter of the year" medal*
Happy early mothers' day to you if you've done the brave and terrifying thing of materialising a person/people from your DNA and innards (biology isn't my strong suit) and for then putting up with their shit for a lifetime. We're not worthy.